like summer during winter
by chibifluff
Summary: A couple of years after graduating high school, Asahi reflects on his feelings for a certain team mate and how he acted back then, unable to come to terms with himself. A sudden visit starts changing his way of thinking. [AsahixNishinoya]
1. Chapter 1

The vending machine marked all its items red. Of course.  
Working outside in the middle of winter without hot coffee was just what he needed. "Fuck it", he grunted as he went to next one. _Cold beverages only._  
It was just one of those days.

* * *

I remember the exact moment I looked at him differently for the first time. It was after we lost the match during Spring Nationals that it hit me. He looked so helpless looking at everything around him it was as if I was looking at a little boy who'd just lost his mother in a crowd on a busy street. His tears wouldn't stop and mine neither but mine were not because we'd just lost the match anymore, mine were because of him, because he was hurting so much yet I couldn't do anything to make his frustration go away. I was shocked.

As the realization suddenly hit me I wondered if anyone would notice I had been staring at him for a whole minute now, unable to look away, following him with my eyes wherever he went. I watched him as he cried. I watched as he tried to let out all of his frustration in one go by screaming his lungs out until there was no air left in them anymore. I watched as the other members approached him, gave him hugs and pats on the back. I watched him.

And I wondered why I hadn't noticed him like that before, I mean, I had trained with the guy for what it felt like forever. I had been to his house, shared countless of meals and train rides, and practice sessions. For fucks sake, I had seen him cry and be angry before so why did I suddenly feel the need to be close to him. My head was a mess. We had just lost nationals and suddenly there was the possibility of me having a crush on one of my teammates? I remember feeling so overwhelmed by everything I had to be dragged away from the middle of the court so we could line up to greet the other team. "Get a grip, man. You're still supposed to be the ace, _act_ like it." Daichi's words were never kind when it came to talking to me but there was a hint of disgust in his voice I had never felt before. Now that I think back on it, maybe he noticed? after that day, he never really looked me in the eye when we spoke.

At first I tried to convince myself that it was nothing more than a rush of feelings now that the reality was we lost. All that training and hope we had built on making it to finals was sure something that had affected me and the rest of the team. We all became one as we all had only one goal: to win Nationals. My suffering was their suffering and theirs was mine, right? I had spent most of my time with him, so obviously he was the one I was most attached to. That's why seeing Noya cry that way had made me feel so frustrated and useless, right?

 _Wrong._

The more I tried to come up with an excuse for the feelings I had back then, the more I ended up a dead alley; it always came down to the same conclusion: I had a crush on Nishinoya. I felt so disgusted with myself back then that I once again stopped going to practice. Not that it was something unexpected of us third years, though, but being together in the same group had become burdensome for me and graduation was so close I guess the others thought I had other priorities, which actually worked for me. I still would casually stop by the gymnasium to see them practice from time to time, even joined them a couple of times, but it was never like before. At least for me it wasn't. I thought that the less time I spent next to him the better, that I would eventually stop crushing on him and things would get back to normal.

But the more I didn't see him the more I thought about him: was he really okay? Was his insomnia acting up again? He would always text me in the middle of the night whenever it got really bad. Was he texting someone else about his problems? Who would become his ace with me gone? I would often give myself a slap when I started with those thoughts. Sometimes it would be in the middle of class and people would turn around to see; I'd apologize and say I was falling asleep and they would whisper how it seemed like I was going mad. I just smiled until the noise died down and everybody went back to their own business. Except for Suga. He always gave me a half smile before turning around. Was he worried or was it pity?

I wanted things to go back to the way they were so badly because it just seemed like everyone was on the other side of the court and all I could do was watch them. Because it definitely was like that. These feelings had made me an outsider and there was no one to blame but me. Nishinoya hadn't done anything for me to think that he was interested, in fact, he always made it very clear he liked girls. But the fact that he sought me out when he was feeling down, or when he couldn't sleep; or the fact that he worried about me when I was stuck in my own pitiness not being able to return to the team after losing to Dateko really made me happy. Because it felt like I was needed, and the thought of him needing me made me happy.

In the end it was only my own confusion that made things difficult. He had given me his friendship and I had turned it into a one-sided _sad_ love story.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Azumane! Get off your ass and help me load this onto the truck!" The middle aged man yelled, resting his body on the huge box next to him. "We gotta hurry, kid! We're supposed to deliver this by 3pm and it's already 2:15pm, we won't make it if we don't leave now!"

"Yes sir!" Asahi replied. His own feet betrayed him and moved faster than he could think, something that had stayed with him from his days playing high school volleyball. He landed in front of his coworker but was able to quickly get back on his feet. "S-sorry, sir!"

"Jeez, kid, are you alright? This is a refrigerator; we absolutely cannot fuck up on this delivery! You sure you're ok?" The old man gave Asahi a look of distrust. For such a big scary-looking guy he was sure clumsy.

Asahi dusted off his uniform and fixed his cap. "Definitely! Won't happen again, sir!" He twitched his mouth as best as he could to force it into a smile. "Shall we go?"

It was only some days that he would get lost in his thoughts the way he did today. Reminiscing on his high school days was bittersweet, somedays more bitter than sweet, but that was the past and there was nothing he could do about it. The choices he had made along the way may not have been the best ones but they always taught him something new about himself.

"Want me to give you a ride home, kid?"

Asahi looked up at the clear sky. "That's ok, I live pretty close by, I think I'm gonna walk home." He smiled as he waved goodbye. His head felt heavy all afternoon after all the thinking he'd done earlier and a walk home didn't sound so bad. It was the middle of January and it was freezing but he liked walking around looking like a snowman with all those layers of clothes on him. Crossing the street from his workplace was the station, and right in front of it was the convenience store. " _Today's a day for hot pizza buns and miso ramen. Yesss._ " he thought as he made his way in. The store clerk raised a hand when she saw him come in.

"Azumane-san!"

"Yo!" Asahi waved back at the girl and made his way to the ramen section. When he was done picking he went straight to the counter and put on his best friendly face. He congratulated himself on the improvement as this girl didn't seem to be scared of him like most people were. "One pizza bun, please."

"Sure! Azumane-san, did you get to meet him?"

"Who?" Asahi's voice was muffled under his scarf.

"There was a weird guy looking for you like an hour ago."

He tried to remember if today was the day Suga said he was going to visit. Over the years he had made it a tradition to visit Asahi on the first week of January but this year he said he was gonna have to postpone it. But why did he stop at the convenience store? Did he forget how to get to his house? It was a good thing Asahi introduced him to his neighbor, then.

"He may have a strange hair color but I assure you it's natural, so don't go calling Suga weird. He'll get mad at-"

"It wasn't Suga-san, are you kidding? I would never call him weird he's so dreamy." The girl handed him his change. "He did mention Suga-san, though. He was lucky I was working here today, I gave him the address to the apartment building." Asahi started feeling anxious. "He said he was a friend of yours and of Suga-san as well so I thought there'd be no problem?"

"What did he look like?" His eyes widened. "Was he short?"

"Yeah, I gue-"

Asahi was out the door faster than the girl could reply. As he made his way home running, a million questions ran through his mind. Could it be him? But why? What was he doing there? Was he okay? Why hadn't he contacted him first? Something must have happened to him. Or maybe Suga. Shit. What happened to Suga? He hadn't even contacted him in a while maybe he had been in an accident? He tried to reach his back pocket only to trip and fall. As he picked up his things and continued the race he dialed his number.

Two hundred meters.

"Pick up, damn it!" Re-dial. "Fu-"

"Hello?" Suga's words sounded a little slurred. Asahi wanted to kill him. There he was running full speed wondering if he was alive while Suga was out with friends probably having drinks with not a care in the world. What an ass.

"I'm going to fucking _kill_ you! What the _fuck_!"

"Wait, Asahi? What's going on? Are you- Are you running?"

Asahi hung up and sped up. He felt relieved Suga was okay, but now his biggest worry was the person waiting for him. What had happened for Nishinoya to have come all the way there and not even say anything? It was probably Suga who gave him the address, who else? But why didn't he say anything?

A hundred meters.

His chest was full of anxiety waiting to explode the moment he stopped running. But he was also eager to see him. It had been almost three years since they last saw each other. Sure, he had gotten updates through Suga but this was on a totally different level. This was face to face. Would he be mad at him? Asahi thought of a counter attack: Why didn't Noya contact him first? He was the sempai after all. Smile. He felt ashamed. Just a few hours ago he had clearly been emo-ing about him and now he was as giddy as a kid getting candy. He was so pathetic.

He slowed down the pace as he approached the next turn, just a few steps away from the building's entrance now. His rushed pace came to a full stop when he came face to face with his former team mate. Asahi looked at him, he hadn't changed at bit. "You-" It had been so long. "Tanaka."


	2. Chapter 2

"Asahi-san! Long time no see!" Tanaka said, dusting off his pants and taking off his cap. His hair had grown long, enough for him to tie it on a ponytail, just as he himself had done a few years back. "Yeah, I grew my hair out. It was kinda annoying having everyone rub my head for 'good luck' what is that, right?"

"Yeah, uh."

"I'm starving, let's go get something to eat? You just got off work- Oh, you already got food?" Tanaka pointed at the plastic bag Asahi was holding.

"We can go out if you want, this bun is pretty much destroyed anyway."

"Why, what hap- Woah, Asahi-san, you're bleeding! I think it'd be better for you to clean that wound, what the fuck happened?" Tanaka hadn't changed. He was still as loud as ever, which made Asahi feel at ease somehow. As they made their way up the stairs to his apartment, Tanaka told him about how he had heard from Suga that he was working for a delivery company in Kawasaki, and how he was surprised to hear he hadn't continued playing volleyball after all. "You got a nice place, Asahi-san!"

"Thanks. There's drinks in the fridge, help yourself to whatever."

Ryuu looked around the tiny room. It sure was nice for such a small place; a unit bathroom, though? Ugh. He still hadn't gotten used to that. Back home the toilet and shower were two separate rooms, everything was cramped into such tiny spaces in the city. "You sure have become a city boy, huh, Asahi-san, haha!" He could tell Asahi was laughing in the other room. "It's been close to three years, right? Sorry to suddenly show up like this. I thought you wouldn't recognize me or wouldn't want anything to do with me after so long."

"It's all good. I have fond memories of you, so it's not like I'm feeling forced to be nice or anything, ha. So, how have you been?" He took a couple of beers from the fridge and offered one to his junior.

"No thanks, got practice tomorrow."

"You still play?"

"Yeah. For Chuo University's male volleyball team." Asahi must've made the weirdest face, for Tanaka was now grinning, pointing at the university logo on his cap. "Barely made it, but I'm in, hell yeah!"

"Congrats!" Asahi's shock still didn't go away. Was this the same kid who had to take several make-up tests throughout his years in high school? "Wow, Chuo, huh?"

"Tell me about it! I couldn't believe it either, I thought someone must've sent me someone else's acceptance letter by mistake or something but nope. I buckled down those last few months and forced my way in, haha."

Tanaka's pride was almost too much for his body to contain, which made Asahi kind of jealous. He had actually gotten accepted at a college back home, but after a year he realized academics were not his forte. So, instead of wasting his parents money on something he knew would not give him results, he opted for dropping out and decided to try his luck in the city. It had not been easy for him to move out on his own much less to a city so far away from home, but he thought the complete change of scenery would be good for him. He could try to be someone new, in a new city where nobody knew him.

"I ran into Suga-san at a college tournament last week. We got to talking and that's when he mentioned you were living pretty close by; he even gave me your number but I thought you'd never pick up your phone, knowing you don't answer stranger's calls." Asahi was surprised. Not a lot of people knew he ignored phone calls from unknown numbers. "Anyway, at first I thought you guys were living together."

"What? No way! Not with the way Suga snores at night."

"Haha, yeah I remember those nights at volleyball camp. Good times."

Asahi smiled as he reminisced about that time; it truly was ages ago but he could still remember the matches, the punishments and that one day everyone had barbeque at the end of the day.

"Nishinoya says 'hi'."

Asahi came back to the present at the mention of his name. "Huh?"

"He just texted me; told him I came down to visit." He kept talking as he typed. "I think he's pretty mad at me for not telling him, jeez."

"Tell him I said 'hi' back."

"I think that would just make him angrier at this point?… hold on…"

Sweat started rolling down Asahi's forehead. Was Nishinoya also in the area? Why was everyone suddenly around the Kanto region? He hoped to god Tanaka didn't think of inviting him. "Is he going to school around here as well?"

"No, he stayed back in Torono. I think he's some time off cause he doesn't know what he really wants to study."

"It's good to know you still keep in touch."

"Yeah well, he practically made me give him all my contact information. I mean, after you graduated you hardly ever talked to us anymore; I think you kinda traumatized hi-… sorry…"

"It's okay." Guilt. Falling over him as heavy as rocks and continuously as rain. "Truth be told, I thought it would be him I'd find sitting outside, not you." Tanaka's eyes went from his phone to Asahi's face. "The girl at the convenience store, my neighbor, said a short guy had stopped by looking for me; I assumed it was him as soon as she said that, haha."

"Is that why you were all out of breath when you got here? Anyway. Well, you have gotten a bit taller since I last saw you, but I'm not short at all, what the hell?"

"In comparison, though…Haha. Don't tell Noya what I said, by the way."

Tanaka took off his cap and headed towards Asahi. His left arm went around his neck, pulling him towards him, while the other held the cellphone in front of them. "Say cheese!"

"What the-"

"Sorry, Noya-san was asking for a picture. He didn't really believe I was here, ha." Before Asahi could say a word, Tanaka showed it to him. "Asahi-san, don't we look alike, kinda?"

"As if! Give me that." He took the phone from Tanaka and frowned. As suspected, they looked nothing alike, aside from the long hair. "You really are blind if you think we look the same."

"Obviously _not_ the same; I'm much more charismatic and lively and handsome, come on."

"Tsk."

"Ready to go?"

"Sure, just let me grab another jacket." Asahi was about to suggest they stay inside, but somehow didn't want him to think that is all there was to his life now. He had to admit he was a little jealous of Tanaka, but the life he had chosen for himself was not so bad. It's not like he had no life.

The place was full once they got there, so they had to wait a bit before getting seated. Waiters would come outside to take note on how many people were waiting, and they would greet Asahi cheerfully before going back inside.

"You're pretty popular, huh?"

"Former coworkers, haha."

"You were a waiter? Really?"

"Yeah, why so surprised?"

"You never struck me as a social type of guy. Never thought you'd have the guts to deal with people like you have to when you're a waiter." Tanaka went back to typing on his phone. "You've really changed, Asahi-san."

The waiter called for them and finally took them to their table. It was loud and full of smoke coming from the grills, but the food was good and everything was \280, including drinks, so it was heaven.

"…and then I totally told Daichi-san he was gonna have to treat me to yakiniku next time we met, hahaha…I love Daichi-san, he was like, like a big brother to me you know. Fucking Saeko-nee, never calls me anymore… I really respect him you know, his receives were the _best_. Shit, don't tell Yuu I said that." It hadn't taken a lot to convince Tanaka to go for at least one beer, and that soon escalated to four. If he was loud when sober he was thrice as loud when drunk. People on the tables next to them laughed and whispered, and Tanaka would occasionally try to pick a fight with some of the other guests. Asahi was regretting having offered him a drink.

"If you don't keep your voice down I'm going to call Daichi and tell on you."

Tanaka stared at him. "Pfffft. What are you, 10? Tsk…Yo-" he turned to the guy sitting on the table next to him. "What the fuck are you looking at, huh?"

"Sorry! Please excuse my friend, he's drunk out of his mind." Asahi pleaded apologetically, bowing his head as he tried to make Tanaka focus on him.

"Asahi-san, can I ask you something?"

"Ask away."

"Why's it you stopped talking to us? I mean, maaan. We thought we'd at least be able to hang out ya know? Yo, waiter! Get me 'nother beer… You." Tanaka pointed a finger at him. "I really, _really_ wanted to punch you back then."

"Sorry."

"You turned into such a sad… _blah_ , you know? Everybody was worried. I just wanted to punch the beard out ya face… hahaha"

"That would've been ok. I really did need punching back then."

"Yuu was worried; man was he worried." Tanaka gulped down what remained on his glass in one go. "He tried calling you many times. He tries even now, you know? But you never answer."

Oh. So that's how he knew.

"Say, Tanaka."

"Hm?"

"Why'd you come here today?"

"I love… my friend…s…" He grinned and then face planted on the table.

Asahi blinked a couple of times. It took him a few seconds before his brain started working again to ask for the check. Man was Tanaka heavy; it was a good thing Asahi was all muscle himself, otherwise getting him in and out of that taxi would've been hell.

"Please don't puke, please don't puke, please don't puke." He repeated like a mantra while placing Tanaka on his bed. His phone started ringing and Asahi tried to look for it desperately. Front pocket? Shirt pocket? Where? Finally, he was able to turn Ryuu on his side and take the phone from his back pocket. Perhaps his friends were wondering why he hadn't made it home yet. He stared at the phone for a while before answering.

"Hello…"

"Oh…Asahi-san?"

Asahi felt as if a flamethrower was pointed directly at his face.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey, N-noya." He stood still over the bed. He was grateful Tanaka was passed out and not able to neither see nor hear him.

" _Wow, so it really is you, huh?_ "

"Yeah… Uh. So how are you?"

"…"

"I-I heard you're doing ok? It must be pretty cold ov-"

" _Asahi-san, are you fucking kidding me? It's been like three years since we last spoke and now you come at me with this shitty small-talk nonsense? Yeah, it's fucking freezing over here._ "

"Well if you had at least sent a message you would've heard about me sooner…" He was surprised at his own words.

" _Huh? I wasn't the one who disappeared after graduation, the hell? And just so you know I did try to call you, but your never answered any of my calls, okay? Jeez, what a jerk… Wait a minute, are you drunk right now? You're drunk, aren't you?"_ Asahi smiled. " _Stop laughing! This isn't funny!_ "

"I swear, I'm not."

" _Not what? Laughing or drunk?_ "

"Laughing. I'm not drunk, either. Not _that_ drunk anyway." He grabbed a blanket and covered Tanaka's passed out self. "Listen. Um… I'm sorry, okay. It really… I didn't mean to just go away. I was an idiot. I'm really sorry."

" _Tsk. Whatever_."

Truth be told, Asahi had wanted to hang up after Noya called him out. But he wanted to keep talking to him; after all this time he found it was still as easy as it had been back when they were in high school.

"So, Tanaka was telling me you're taking some time off your studies, huh?"

" _What? Give him back the phone, he's got no business talking about me._ "

"I would, but he's passed out on my bed right now, haha."

" _Wake him up. Now._ "

"H-hey, there's no reason to get angry, he just had a little too much to drink, that's all. I'll get him on a cab when he wakes up." Asahi was scratching his head now, something he was used to doing when stress would start to build up in him. "He really can't hold his liquor, huh."

" _I wouldn't know, we've never gone out for drinks. I think this might've been the first time?"_

"You're kidding!"

" _Well, we're still 20, we can't even get booze at the convenience store."_

"Man, it's not gonna be pretty when he wakes up." He started rummaging through his fridge. "Damn it…I'm out of Pocari. Looks like I'm gonna have to make a trip to the store."

" _Aren't you a nice sempai_."

"Yeah well, you never stop being one, right?" He felt a little sad now that the conversation was coming to an end. It truly had been nice to talk to him again. "Anyw-"

" _Hurry up and get ready, I'll hold._ "

Asahi's face became instantly red. "But… it's 2am… are you sure you're okay?"

" _What am I, a kid? Now that I don't have things to do anymore I go to bed at 4am almost everyday…Actually, I'm gonna hang up."_

"But you just said-"

" _Call me back when you're ready to go. I'm not wasting any more minutes on Tanaka. And use his phone, that way you won't waste your money either, haha._ "

"Nice, but I don't think I can do that to him; I don't wanna add to his headache tomorrow so…uh…g-give me your number? I'll call you back." Was the heater turned on max? because he felt as hot as being kissed by fire. "Okay, then, I'll call you back in a sec."

" _Sure._ "

Tanaka's phone felt warm to the touch. Asahi was not sure if it was because the battery had over heated or it was a product of his own body. He grabbed the nearest coat, his wallet, keys and cellphone. He looked in disgust as Tanaka let out a noisy fart. There was no use, Ryuu was not waking up before sunrise. He looked for Noya's number on his phone and hit the call button.

"Hey"

" _Yo, I had a bet with myself you'd call after you came back from the store._ "

"That would've been the better option, but I guess I'm too drunk to think straight?"

" _Yeah, right. Say, what kind of things do they sell in convenience stores over there?_ "

"Pretty much the same things back home? What kind of question is that? Haha"

" _Hey! Don't make fun of me, okay? You think you're the shit because you live in the city now?_ "

"Actually, they have this tuna-mayonnaise nigiri at 7-eleven. It's good stuff." He peaked back at Tanaka. "I'll be right back."

" _If he's out like that I doubt he'll wake up any time soon. Tsk. Don't forget your scarf on the way out._ "

"Yes, mom."

" _Don't give me that! And hurry up, I wanna hear about this tuna thing, is it really better than the stuff we got here?_ "

Asahi smiled again and made his way to the door. He found his scarf on the floor and thought about Noya's advice of wearing it outside, but his cheeks were fire at this point so there was no need for it, really.


End file.
